Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
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Waffles make excellent pill organizers
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.