[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
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I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
Whoa… oh I see lol
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????