you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
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Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
there’s probably a fee though
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
Autocorrect is my menesis
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder