It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
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“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas