I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
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Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.