lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
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Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Comparing yourself to others
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
The struggle is real.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life