My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
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You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
lol
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Shower sex be like:
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.