Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
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If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Best mom ever 😂