I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
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Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh