When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
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I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
Watson was Holmes schooled
Optional boss fight.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.