There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
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No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”