Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
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Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME