Atheists are Popeless romantics.
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Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
😩😩😩
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol