[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
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[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
#ParentingFacts
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.