[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
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Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT