A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
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My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.