Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
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I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do