A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
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Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.