Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
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I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine