The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
You Might Also Like
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.