[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
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Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.