…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
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*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Canada has crack?
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”