what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
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A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
I enjoy a good short stor
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Mad Max Arctic Road
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…