Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
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If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
I am patiently waiting for your email
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.