I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
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Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
Super Hand Dog Face
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.