What the dentist sees
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[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.