Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
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Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
Happy Febuary everyone!
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions