ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
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[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
My dream job is getting paid to dream
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.