Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
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[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
How animals would run if they were human
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
some things should go without saying
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.