Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
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“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
Poetry is my passion
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed