[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
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[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
Watermelon Boss!