I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
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For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
Batman v Dracula
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
The prophecy is fulfilled
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say