Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
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.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
Best spoiler warning ever
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
The real reason evolution started..😂
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
getting groceries
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores