In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
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Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*