[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
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*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
just pretend nothing happened