absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
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am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’