I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
You Might Also Like
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
#Thanos #MondayMood
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.