3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
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Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
Who’s your best friend?
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?