[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
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Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
Seek kebab; not attention
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
IT’S-A ME,
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.