My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
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Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*