When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
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I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
Liquor Store Parking
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.