eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
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Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.