“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
You Might Also Like
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
i love meeting boys on tinder
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
The funk soul brother
the prophecy has been fulfilled
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads