My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
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I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
english majors be like furthermore
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
😎 🍻
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar