Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
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The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
a god among men
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days