Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
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[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.