I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
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doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
Who’s ready for Friday?!
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.