Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
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My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers