Who called it cremation and not ashashination
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{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
The government even made aliens boring
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.