PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
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due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
I love it all
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes